Trying Again...

I have spent the last 45 minutes writing about a recent connection my brain made through pictures. For some reason, I cant seem to transfer my thoughts from brain to words, which has made me very frustrated. Add that to the fact that some kids wont leave my house and I cant decide what to eat, its been a tough night. Then, throw in not seeing my beautiful fiancee all day, my mind has all but shut down.

My natural born laziness has been threatening to overtake me since last week. My brain seems to be working overtime to figure out reasons why I dont have to go to class. For the most part, I have recognized these thoughts and shot them down before having to decide whether or not to act on them. It has been a long time since I have put myself in a position like this. I am doing great in all my classes and there is only 2 weeks left. I should use this as a time to reenergize myself, but it has had an opposite effect. I have never worked harder in school than this last semester, but it hasnt been nearly as gratifying as I expected. Unless i figure out how to reverse all these feelings, I fear that my determination will decrease, through a lack of incentive.

This morning was beautiful. The sun was shining and it was a very comfortable temperature outside. I feel like that explains my life right now. I really have no complaints. But it is what happens when the wind comes up and the clouds come in that I need to be prepared for. Mae very accurately expresses how I feel, "Ready and Waiting to Fall." I am at a peak, and the normal course of life suggests that the fall will come soon. I am lucky enough to recognize this and am going to be prepared. I am pretty sure it will come in the next 3 weeks or so, when I have have to go a few weeks without my rock. The other night I realized, not for the first time and not for the last time I am sure, just how much Shaylee means to me in my life. She left my house after we had watched a movie, and once she left, my whole countenance changed. I had had a tough day, but I got through it then got to spend time with her. After she left, I got so bitter and was in a horrible mood. I could not see the positive in anything around me. I know Satan is working on my very strongly, he sucks. I feel adversity everywhere I go, even more than usual. The wind is pushing me everywhere, but I am doing all I can to not be effected by it. It was a lot like playing basketball today. We played at an elementary school, outside in the wind. Outside shots were impossible, the wind was just too strong. We had to work together and stay close to the basket for anything to work.

I know I have to go out into the wind sometimes to get everything done that I need to. It is these times that I feel so vulnerable, so exposed. The slightest wind seems to test my balance. My usual steady demeanor is bruised and battered, even sleep seems to sap me of energy. The edge seems so close. I know that only I can cause myself to fall off, which I will not allow to happen. The fall is approaching but it will not be over the edge...it will be to the ground and I will be able to pick myself back up. The nice thing about all of this is I have a safety net. My love and rock is more than willing to push me along, even carry me if I need it.

Wow, that was a personal post but it helped me clear my head. Now maybe I can finish the last post I started...